When it comes to your body, people should keep their opinions to themselves. Here’s what to say when someone says you need to lose weight.
“I only lose weight for roller coasters, not for you.”
“I only lose weight for roller coasters, not for you.”
Let your choices with your body conform to your own personal goals, not anyone else’s!
“Yes, mother.”
Unless you’re ready to deal with decades of suppressed intergenerational trauma, just nod and smile.
“So do you.”
Statistically, this is likely true.
“Guards!”
Banishing your physician to the dungeon will have him think twice about making comments about your obesity and the future of the throne.
“Which limb?”
Full-body weight loss is too much of an ask, so make sure they specify which limb they’d like you to focus on shrinking.
“Oh no! What’s going to happen!?!? Am I going to die eventually if I don’t? Oh no!”
“Oh no! What’s going to happen!?!? Am I going to die eventually if I don’t? Oh no!”
Make them explain death.
“My body is but a vessel for the souls I absorb as I roam the earthly plane, and yours will soon be added to the screaming multitude within me.”
“My body is but a vessel for the souls I absorb as I roam the earthly plane, and yours will soon be added to the screaming multitude within me.”
That’ll certainly give them something to think about as you digest them.
“Can’t we pick someone else to kick off the helicopter?”
“Can’t we pick someone else to kick off the helicopter?”
Your platoon is being hit by enemy fire but your chopper can’t take off unless one of you stays behind and lightens the load.
“I’m pregnant!”
You’re not, but your asshole husband doesn’t need to know that right now.
“I’m just wearing a bunch of coats.”
“I’m just wearing a bunch of coats.”
Not only will they feel like an idiot for not noticing all your layers, you’ll also be showing off how rich in outerwear you are.
“Honey, get in here! He just said his first words!”
“Honey, get in here! He just said his first words!”
These are the moments you’ll always cherish.
“I ate the last person who said that to me.”
“I ate the last person who said that to me.”
Disarm the negativity with a light touch, and then show them the human hand you carry around that you call leftovers.
“For every pound I lose I will gain one inch of height.”
“For every pound I lose I will gain one inch of height.”
The weight can’t just disappear, it needs to go somewhere.
“I have no weight.”
If you are nothing, be proud of it and come right out and say it!
“I may be fat now, but you’ll always be the guy who hooked an easy 32-yard field goal left in the 2011 AFC Championship.”
“I may be fat now, but you’ll always be the guy who hooked an easy 32-yard field goal left in the 2011 AFC Championship.”
Remind the body-shamer that they blew the Ravens’ chance at overtime and a shot at Super Bowl XLVI.”
“I’m Santa Claus, you dumbass.”
“I’m Santa Claus, you dumbass.”
Way to make things super awkward on Christmas.
“Four score and seven years ago…”
“Four score and seven years ago…”
If the Gettysburg Address helped Lincoln ease post-civil war tensions, why can’t you use it in your daily life?
“K.”
Both a powerful message of self-acceptance and a great way to end the conversation.
